My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
