What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
