Are we in a gay sports bar?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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