Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
