uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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