at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
