If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
