It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
