Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
