My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
