Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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