Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
