Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am spending my child support on dildos
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
