we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
