Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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