She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
