i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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