Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
