Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
