I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
