mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
