Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
