I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
