I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
