Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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