I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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