Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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