I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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