I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
