I think im going to throw up on grandma
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I need to align my fucking chakras
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
