Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
