I'm going to jail i love you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
