I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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