nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
