cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
