Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
