i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
