I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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