Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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