I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
