so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
