Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
