FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
