we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
