I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
