so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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