Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
someone get that fucking seahorse.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
