I'm jealous of your bromance
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
