i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
