Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
