i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
